At this time of year we are under so many pressures. Here's some of the ones that affect me: Family Friends Partners Parties Work Studies FOMO - fear of missing out !!! This post is a quick reminder that it is ok to rest, to say no, and to understand that the guilt you are feeling about doing these things may not be your own. It may be something that has developed from childhood, that you don't need to hold onto anymore to have a fulfilling life. Are you the type of person that feels obliged? If so, read on. When we are little, we are taught to feel empathy for others. We are learn to say sorry for hurting someone's feelings, to worry about others' problems, and to strive to succeed (sometimes for the pleasure of our loved ones as well as ourselves). Empathy in itself is a wonderful trait. It often means that we grow up to identify with others, to be great sources of care, and have oodles of intuition. However, the pressure that we feel from others can be a drain on ourselves if we don't listen to what we need to be filled up. Whatever theory you use (and there are many), remember that we cannot fulfil the wishes of others at the expense of ourselves. You are just as important as those around you, and deserve care, attention, and love. You are worthy of: sleep nutritional food water happiness, in whatever form it might take for you time out quiet You are entitled to spend your time on pursuits that fill you up, and to surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. Often we think that we don't have a choice about the people that we associate with, but we do. This is easier said than done, but the first step to changing the way your time is spent is to identify what are the things that zap our energy. It is ok to look at these things, and to put in place appropriate boundaries to safeguard our wellbeing. Have a look at these resources for more info:
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Today I appeared as a guest on the Couragemakers Podcast!
Give it a listen below: Sometimes we can't always act as our adult selves. Our younger versions of us can creep into our emotions, behaviour and way of life. Sometimes this can be positive for us; when we laugh and play and let off steam as adults. But other times, it may be when we feeling threatened or alone.
I have often heard therapists asking individuals how old they feel at a time when they are expressing an emotion. Why do they do this? It's all to do with comfort, and caring for yourself in an age appropriate way. Say, for example, you feel alone in an adult relationship with your partner. If you sit with that feeling for a while, you could be reminded of times when you have felt similar to this, and even give it a specific age. This may take some time, and someone may need to be open enough in therapy to be ready to experience this type of thing. This loneliness may be reminding you of times when a caregiver (say, your Mum or Dad) didn't meet your needs. It could be a specific memory that comes up; not feeling heard when speaking about something that matters to you, or having a lack of recognition for something you've achieved. It could be more vague in that you have felt this type of way as a child when you spent prolonged periods of time with someone. It may not be anything to do with family, but could be a memory from school, or from your peers. Where I'm trying to get in a roundabout way, is that when you feel a certain emotion in a close relationship, it may be reminding you of how you felt in a relationship in early life! This can potentially mean that these original feelings have surfaced, as you have not yet comforted the 'inner child' that has experienced them. So, how to comfort your inner child? When I googled this in preparation for this post, there's a lot about play, about games, about having a bath, but not much about comfort. Say you feel 5 years old, what's going to work? It's going to be different depending on what age 'you' you've connected with. Things that help Validating feelings - You can reassure yourself that your feelings are valid, that you don't need to stop feeling them, and that they are important. Emotions are there to be felt, and there is usually good reason to feel them. Talk to your younger self in an age appropriate way when you do this. I think often as a child we are told 'it's ok, it's alright, don't cry'. Telling a child they are safe makes sense to me, but actually, the more I think about it, 'don't cry' doesn't work at all. They are likely to push those tears down inside and then those feelings can squiggle around, causing havoc. They may trickle out occasionally in odd ways, and could start to affect our day-to-day life. You're you - remembering that you are worthwhile, your thoughts and feelings are real and valid, and that you are in control of your decision making can help to ground you. Each person is as equal as the next, and has just as much right as anyone else to be, live, feel, cry, and to not run with the pack if it just doesn't feel right. Physical kindness - Giving yourself a good hug shouldn't be disregarded. Sometimes slowing the process down of washing, getting yourself ready, putting yourself to bed etc. can allow us to take more care of our bodies. Imagine that you are touching yourself as a safe caregiver would, instead of yanking yourself about in a rush. You could even change your outfit to fit what you think your younger self would prefer; a touch of colour or playfulness in your accessories is an easy way to do this. |
AuthorMy name's Julia, send me an email at [email protected] Archives
April 2017
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