The word 'should' is one that often pops into my consciousness and my decision making. It's one that can stop us in our tracks, change our minds, get us out of the bed in the morning, and keep us there for the whole day. When we are little, we are told a lot of 'shoulds'. We should tidy our room, go to bed on time, do our homework, give our aunts a hug and kiss when we say hello. It is a way of our carers letting us know what is expected of us, and to implement rules and boundaries as we grow up. As adults, it takes a different form. When we tell ourselves we 'should' do something, this may not be useful for us anymore. So how do we differentiate? A good first step is identifying where that should comes from. Write your 'should' statement down, or say it out loud, whatever works for you. Who does it sound like? This may sound strange, as you're identifying it a thought that has come from our own heads, but the thing is, our 'should' statements have often come from other people. This can be our carers, our teachers, our partners, or our friends. The more we identify these thoughts, the easier it is to be able to unpick where it might have come from. With practice, this process gets quicker, and identifying the thought to the originator becomes a lot more second nature. Once we identify who is telling us we 'should' do something, we can choose whether or not to act on itLet me give you an example of the next step of the process: Perhaps we were told by our parents child that we should be available for our families whenever they need us. This could have been reinforced by trips to family members, making ourselves available at the last minute, and extended invites to family celebrations. The motivation behind a parent giving this should could be a loving one; they might want you to feel connected and supported by your family, and hence encourage frequent contact with them. However, the question we need to ask ourselves is, how is this 'should' statement affecting us as adults? What emotions does it bring up in us? It is love and care, is it guilt, or resentment perhaps? Is your 'should' statement preventing you from spending your time in more enriching ways? You could also ask yourself further questions about the amount of energy is used up by fulfilling your 'should' statement. Is frequent family contact filling you up, or draining you? The concept of 'should' implies some effort on your part, and we can start to weigh this up. The last, and most important step, is asking yourself how much pleasure you get from fulfilling your 'should' statementNow, I know that in life there are always times when we end up doing things that we're not that enamoured about doing. BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, in order to do more of what truly makes us satisfied, we need to have a balance of pleasure and responsibility (preferably more pleasure, in my opinion!). So now you've got an idea about who the 'should' is coming from, why they said it in the first place, and how much energy it's going to cost you, think about what you're getting back from it. If we go back to our example, is the family contact that you think you 'should' do pleasurable for you in any way? If it isn't, have a think about why not, and whether you really need to engage in it. If saying downright no to a 'should' statement seems impossible, a way of sugar coating it is to ask, what makes doing this more fun and enjoyable for you. This will be different for every situation but some easy examples are: 1. make whatever it is a shorter length of time 2. do something pleasurable before and after what you 'should' do 3. make it fit to YOUR schedule 4. Plan this only when you have time!!! You have the right to do any or all of this, change your mind, reschedule, and cancel. Remember, the most important thing is acknowledging and making time to do what we want to do, and not feeling controlled by the things we 'should'.
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AuthorMy name's Julia, send me an email at [email protected] Archives
April 2017
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